He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
