True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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