On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
