I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
