did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to make out with him forever
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
