My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
