don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
