I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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