i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
