I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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