The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the day after is always just damage control
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
