This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
