Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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