woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
