whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
