Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He better not be in your backpack
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
