chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
