i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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