my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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