Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
