My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I AM VODKA MAN
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
