Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
