Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
