Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
