Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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