i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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