It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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