Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
