im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
