worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
