My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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