I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
