I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
