Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
