im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
