I just pynch a tree in the face
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
