i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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