I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
false alarm, still single
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
