My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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