I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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