nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
