____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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