I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
