Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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