Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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