Just fell off a train. Bad.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
