I just threw up on my dentist
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
