I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
