Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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