i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
