I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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